Backing up: One baby is hard, especially if it's your first baby. I try to think back to when Luna was born- besides her specific issues (which are a whole 'nother post in itself- NICU, questions, worries, etc., etc.) there were all kinds of new things to adjust to. Breastfeeding. Waking up at all hours of the day (and night). Poop explosions. Doctors visits. The fact that your whole life turns upside down trying to fit this new little person into it.
I remember a day from the first week that Luna was home. It was Christmas-time, my brother and sister-in-law were visiting, and we were supposed to go over to my parents house for dinner. Easy, right? Wrong- I just could not get it together to get out of the house. My timing was all off. Feeding Luna, pumping, taking a shower, eating something, getting dressed- it was so overwhelming, even with my mom and sister-in-law at the house to help. We eventually got out of the house- 3 hours later than we should have.
Fast forward to now. One baby? No problem. Easy. I could do it all day and all night, and be reasonably functional and relaxed. Granted, some of my standards have been relaxed- when was the last time that I washed my kitchen floor? Don't ask.
But two babies? Half the time I'm this close to falling over the edge. Over-the-top busy-ness and procrastination are my constant companions. Some days I feel like I live on a diaper changing assembly line. Right after I put toys away in the living room, they somehow are all over the bedroom. A baby needs to be held. A baby needs to be held. And burped. And.. something. Luna has a million appointments to go to each week. There is a stack of unopened mail that has been growing since March, haunting me. The bathroom sink is so disgusting I hate to look at it. I'm falling behind at work and spend precious time looking at all my stuff wondering how I can possibly start to catch up.
I went to catch up with my best friend yesterday, who I haven't seen in person for forever (she also has two little ones). She reminded me, and I have to remember this, that it doesn't last forever. The first months with a new baby are the hardest. It gets easier. It's true- I remember when Luna hit 6 months old thinking, This isn't so bad. I can do this.
Most days I do remember, and I also remember the flip-side to it- my babies won't be babies forever. Dakota is getting bigger every day. Soon she won't be snuggling in my arms. We won't have the quiet peace of a good breastfeeding session, when I can just sit there and feel her in my arms and marvel at how beautiful she is. I won't hear the heart-melting "goos" and "gahs" and see the big, open-mouthed smiles.
That's why I need to take time to sit and just be with my family. Play with them. Hold them while they sleep. Make kissy faces and have nonsensical conversations in baby language. Work will get done, eventually. The mail will get opened, one day. The bathroom sink will be dirty for the rest of my life. But I will never be able to get back this time, this moment, this opportunity to be with my daughters.
Sappy, yes, but worth remembering.
|a silent moment|